I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
