I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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