Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
