my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
