Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
