A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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