Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
