On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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