remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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