At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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