He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just high enough for therapy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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