I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
