my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
