blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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