Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
