I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
