I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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