note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
