Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
