Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
