you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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