Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
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You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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