Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
