P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
