What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
