Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
