If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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