This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish you could order shots online.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
