He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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