theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and she was petting her beer can
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
