Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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