I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.