fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
