Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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