Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
