Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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