When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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