you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
