____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
