i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
