You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
