if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is it penis luge time yet?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize