I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's the barista slut.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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