I need to stop coming to work sober
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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