im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
