Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
