Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
