I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i am craving dick and cupcakes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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