Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
