I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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