I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
