If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
