Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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