you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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