I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
MIDGETS
????
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
