just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize