i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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