Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
